I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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