How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Randomize
