My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Sober January is a disaster.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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