eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
