u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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