Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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