She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
