I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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