she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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