we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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