You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
