If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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