I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
