She's JV to your varsity
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
