She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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