I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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