Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
