You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
