My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dick very happy bro
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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