My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
