By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
whose parrot is this?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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