the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
