I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize