I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
