my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
