I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
