And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
