Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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