I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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