it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
