Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
