ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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