Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
