They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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