Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
