Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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