My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
