if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
