Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
