How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
