I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
