she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
