I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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