Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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