You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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