you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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