I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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