dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
