census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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