Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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