My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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