Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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