i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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