i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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