I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
