I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
