I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize