I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
