She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
