Just fell off a train. Bad.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
